I’m Afraid: The Character After 140

What are you doin'?
"Just sittin', reviewin'...

I don't Tweet because it seems shallow
I’m afraid.
Who wants to know that
I feed the squirrels?
Worry about my health?
Find sleep my greatest pleasure?

Mostly
I spend time comparing
What I have been
to what I now am.
Trying to marginalize
the losses
Trying to bear-up through times
that become more unbearable,
While hoping for a good streak
even a short run that looks like
my "before times."

I used to be,
But now I'm just...
reviewing, though there will be no test.
waiting, though there is no rescue
smiling, my sad first grade smile.
waiting, but not responding to your tweet.

I cannot kick myself in the ass
although I could use that.
I would like to embolden my outlook on this day.
the sun is out
I have a pulse
It might be possible...
but for now
It is hard not to close the door
and take a mid-morning nap.

BFF in the Self-service Lane

　
Who's your daddy?
Well I'm my daddy...
And who's your momma?
Well I'm my momma.
And who's your best friend forever?
Well I'm my best friend forever!

Somehow while growing up
I learned that liking yourself too much
(or maybe even a little)
was a bad thing,
A Baddddd thing:
"Oh, he's so conceited"
Or
"He's so full of himself"
And maybe even
"He's so stuck up."
Words no one wanted to hear.
Some kind of social felony.
(and you could get sent away
to a distant island, all by yourself)
A faux pas few came back from.

And so I was counting on you, back then,
My ersatz BFF
To take care of "my self"
Me my mine
To shine a light on my darkness
To make me feel sublime.

And frankly old friend
You didn't do it all that well,
(granted, you didn't likely apply for the job,
a job no one was trained for)
So as years have passed I have tried
To count on myself
To take care of myself
Which, contrary to our careful upbringing
Is OK.
(Oh the joys of having a self that is full.)

And I remind myself that if you like me
It is probably because
You are taking care of yourself
In some important self-serving way.
Well good for you!
(and since your so nice, good for me too!)

So nowadays we can be BFF,
Just in a twisted-back
Off the track
Doesn’t lack
Pick up the slack
Way.

Eh, who's you daddy?
　

Hors d'oeuvres

Act One
The Premise

Would it shock you to know
would it cost me to admit
would it amuse you perhaps
to know
my ulterior motives?

They lie there just under the skin
don't they?
sub rosa
sequestered away
hidden from view
some not so subtle
while others are buried and denied
sub terra.

They are the little tunes
that I whistle in the dark...


Act Two
The Scenario

At the party
we stand elbow to elbow.
You know me from work
or as a friend of a friend
or maybe we are life long partners,
and we talk
maybe business, a little pleasure
mostly innocent chat
maybe a flirt
and you take an accounting of me
as I make an inventory of you,
(to be filed after while in a social dossier.)

I am looking in your shadows
listening to your in-breath
referencing your nuances
against mine,
and in those moments
and later that day and days to come
these morsels,
as tasty as any hors d'oeuvres,
are digested
and recomposed
and tucked away
for another time,
to play again in scenarios not yet conceived,
like a line from a verse that is not yet written.

I let them churn a bit in the gut
ferment and brew
until they become a shadowy reality
pulsing quietly and randomly
crossing the hot line from the head
to just below the navel.


Act Three
Is It a Want or a Need?


These motives are not mean things,
but they are surely selfish.
And likely much more of a want
than a need,
and devious in degrees perhaps
like half truths
and strategic omissions
these, my private thoughts about you.

So why this game of "if" and "then when?"
this game within the game
chess-like
sometimes playful
sometimes with a sting...
Is it perhaps the need for a fall back plan?
contingencies?
or perhaps the need for a life more full?
embellishments?
Girdings for some contest or coming battle?
Social acumen?

Or a little danger,
Exotic and mysterious,
to tweak the dormant glands?



Ah,
maybe you don't have a hidden agenda,
(are you're so open and rational?)
Maybe you don't have an ulterior motive.
But I say they are there
yours and mine
and maybe you just haven't looked...?

Earth New Day

One spin
And just the light
Of this new day,
Forgiving and forgetting
Erases
The joy and pain of yesterday.

A gentle warmth crests the dune
Warming my brow
It enlightens me to the possibilities
Of peace prospects:
A time without the harsh edge,
Without the struggle for survival.

Turn out into the day!
Let the sound from within
Sprout roots,
Sprout wings.

Feel free to begin.